Fifteen Charisma is back with some more football analysis! And by analysis I mean "odds for irrelevant prop bets" and "blatant Patriots hackery." Without further ado, let's satisfy the primal urges of every warm-blooded armchair quarterback out there.
2:1 - Odds that Mark Sanchez throws more picks than every other quarterback in the first round combined.
10:1 - Odds that Darelle Revis switches teams to pad his interception stats halfway through the third quarter.
5:1 - Odds that Chad Ochocinco returns to his old moniker after getting shut down for the second game in a row.
85:1 - Odds that he takes elementary Spanish at a community college to figure out what "eighty-five" actually translates as.
200:1 - Odds that he changes his last name to Russian (восемьдесят пять?).
1,000,000:1 - Odds that Dan Dierdorf will be able to pronounce the result before giving it up and just calling him "Chad", but compensates by referring to the absent Steelers quarterback as "Mr. Roethlisberger." Listeners are stunned.
4:1 - Odds that, in the unlikely event The Ocho scores, his no-doubt long-planned celebration lands him on the sexual offender registry in Cincy.
25:1 - Odds the Jets put up 37 points again. (Ever.) Approximately the same odds that Mark Sanchez ever turns into a 'gunslinger.'
35:1 - Odds that the unfortunate nickname "Gang Green" crystallizes in the form of at least one grisly on-field amputation. Jets fans are horrified; Bengals backers, remembering the on-field botched abortion that was their team from the last two decades, are unfazed.
The Fifteen Charisma Pick: Bengals 20, Jets 10.
3:1 - Odds that the Cowboys-Eagles game ends in a case of clock mismanagement.
4:1 - Odds that it occurs because Wade Phillips and Andy Reid are blankly staring across the field at each other for the entire fourth quarter. Both steal the others' signals; neither finds time to report the results.
100:1 - Odds that Donovan McNabb gives a long-absent career-defining performance.
12:1 - Odds that Tony Romo does give a career-defining performance, but it involves throwing three picks and dating a celebrity for approximately the length of halftime.
Presdestined - Michael Vick subs for an injured McNabb in the fourth quarter with the Eagles down two possessions and somehow violates probation on the way to the huddle. A surprised Kevin Kolb warms up and does his best, recording a remarkable QB rating of dead zero. On returning to Philly, he is never seen again.
The Fifteen Charisma Pick: Cowboys 27, Eagles 16
Part Two (tomorrow's games) coming soon.
--kd
Saturday, January 9, 2010
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