A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is widely categorized as a Shitty Movie. In spite of my better instincts, I found it in the abandoned used DVD section of Newbury Comics for a pittance (read: four hard-earned dollars) and decided to liberate it from the sixth circle of Video Hell.
I haven’t seen it in something like half a decade; I figured the poor bastard deserved another chance (and I remembered half-liking it the first time through). But, I don’t want to take two hours to write a full review, so I’ll just sort of give annoying running commentary instead. In fact, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, Al Michaels and John Madden will be doing some guest work for this column (turkey drumsticks not included with Madden; some assembly required).
AL: Welcome, moviegoers, to the 2:15 AM showing of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!
MADDEN: Strong start with the prologue. Only four lines long, vague beyond imagination, and BOOM! Shitty movie alert right there.
AL: But, it’s 1899 and apparently interesting times in pre-WWI Europe, so we'll give them the benefit of the doubt for gambling on a specific timeline. Also, you’re only allowed to use that BOOM gag five more times.
MADDEN: Deal.
AL: Jesus, while we were talking Europe is already on the brink of war. Not actually an inefficient use of time for exposition, even if they had to use hackneyed newspaper cliches to cut corners.
MADDEN: Oldest trick in the book… Ignoring, of course, the complex, decades-long escalation of imperial competition and assemblage of alliances that actually led to a European conflict.
AL: Fuck it, we can start a world war with a bank robbery and the Hindenberg going down in the docking bay.
MADDEN: Nice humanitarian effort by the as yet unnamed bad guy stopping such a dangerous form of travel before it gets off the ground.
AL: But like with the rest of this movie, an action scene will start while you’re discussing reality.
MADDEN: Looks like Sean Connery’s still got it. I swear, the man’s like Brett Favre…
AL: And looks like Stormtroopers still can’t shoot. For chrissakes, they have machine guns...
MADDEN: Brett Favre… [etc]
AL : Another clever Victorian literature reference as Quartermain fights off the Germans (?) and finds himself in London.
MADDEN: Brett Favre…
AL: What the fuck happened to Captain Nemo?
MADDEN: *coughracistcough*
AL: Glad to see you’re back in the game.
MADDEN: Just in time. Clutch play by the directors here to slam together exposition with zero character development. I guess Skinner is a jackass and Nemo is…still Caspian-ish. (?) . And doesn’t like being called a pirate.
AL: Somewhat ham-handed dialogue by M, who’s suffering a bad case of Gandalf Syndrome, but he’ll recover if the story does.
MADDEN: Mmmm…ham.
AL: Oof, Sean Connery shuts down the romance potential on the ride over to Dorian Gray’s place and kills any interesting-if-awkward love triangle with Mina. That’s going to sting later in the flick when the viewer loses interest over lack of compelling subplots.
MADDEN: Now, I gotta say I like this scene with Dorian Gray. Stuart Townsend turns in a quality performance every time, and the chronological reference is subtle enough to elicit a chuckle without slobbering all over itself.
AL: Oops, more Germans (?). And the Phantom is on the scene! And Tom Sawyer!
MADDEN: This movie suffers just a bit from cramming something like seventeen (!) character introductions into almost as few minutes. There’s no time for development! Sacrifice everything for the (admittedly absurd) plot! Full steam ahead! Throw the women and children off board!
AL: Okay, Tom Sawyer gets credit for an amusing opening line (“They told me European women had strange ways”). Everything from this point is downhill.
MADDEN: Literally every line Skinner has said so far has been fucking annoying, too.
AL: Okay, the team is assembled, Mina is a vampire, Tom Sawyer is a hick, Dorian Gray is “complicated” (a line that seriously ruined an entire fight scene and wiped out whatever cleverness creds he had built up), Alan Quartermain is old, Skinner is amoral and Cockney (probably contributes to the Irritation Index), and Nemo…is on a boat. And has no character.
MADDEN: His notable lines so far? “Millions will die” (special Awkward Points for making M double back in the conversation while contributing nothing useful to the discussion) and “I walk a different path” (referring, of course, to the fact that he’s the only character using a melee weapon in a world of machine guns…except for Gray with his cane, Skinner with a book, and Quartermain with his fists. Or Mina with her teeth. Or Hyde with any part of his body. Come to think of it, the only Gentleman who does use a gun is Tom Sawyer, and he can’t hit the broad side of a Phantom with an early ending on the line.)
AL: Blink and you’ll miss it – another team member gets dragged (in this case, literally) into the mission. Hyde spouts off some improved poetry about England, Jekyll tries nobly to hold up his Hulk-sized pants, and we’re actually ready for Venice this time!
MADDEN: Seriously, Nemo keeps the ‘defining trait per line’ ratio at a solid zero through two more scenes. Exposition, exposition, talking about the Nautilus without bragging…he’s a perfect symbol for how bland this movie becomes (Quartermain sums it up best in conversing: “Thanks for your, eh, contributions so far…”) between the occasional flashes of self-referential humor.
AL: Much like the scene between Sawyer, Mina, and Dorian. Let’s break it down in instant replay.
MADDEN: Alright (maps out the characters on deck and somehow finagles his way into drawing a phallus). Here’s Dorian over here, and he’s got Mina covered. Coach Quartermain decides for a safe play, but Sawyer calls an audible and BOOM! He gets knocked flat. Dorian pursues and gives one of the more well-timed nonverbals of the movie. That’s high-quality players playing high-quality play right there.
AL: And this next scene with Sawyer and Quartermain…
MADDEN: This one just screams “FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP! TRAUMATIC PAST! NAÏVE YOUTH! WISE MENTOR FIGURE! ONE IS GOING TO DIE!” Okay, done screaming now.
AL: Ooooh, Nemo is Indian. Gotcha. Mina is an essentialist uncultured vampire bitch. Also gotcha.
MADDEN: Hellllo, Dorian and Mina…and Jekyll watching creepily from the doorway. Makes you wonder what Hyde would be doing in this situation…*shudder*.
AL: How does nobody freak out when seeing the Nautilus? It’s not like it can just sneak through a gigantic city in Europe. And how does it stay balanced?
MADDEN: Lots of explosions going on all around it all the time do the job pretty well. Hey, we’re in Venice already! Let’s blow some shit up and reveal all the secrets with an hour left to go!
AL: We urge viewers who haven’t seen the movie before to stop here. This is basically spoiler material from this line forward. Please go. Stop reading. See the movie and come back (you, too, can make fun of ambiguous ethnicities and vacuous characterizations).
MADDEN: So if M is really James Moriarty (which explains the “run, James!” from the one-lined martial artist German (?) earlier in the movie). Dorian is evil (the guy with the portrait that reflects his sins? No!).
AL: The villain is stupid, the minion is fatally flawed, and the heroes narrowly escape death…somehow. All is as it should be.
MADDEN: Although the scene where Hyde saves the crew makes no sense. Where the fuck does the water go? Why doesn’t more come in? This goes somewhere beyond suspension of disbelief into the realm of redefining physics.
AL: But at least Nemo said something substantive. “They have to die…for the greater good!” He’s a rational Western utilitarian! And a devout Hindu, I guess.
AL: And we’re in Antarctica for the Big Battle!
MADDEN: Actually, Mongolia.
AL: Whatever, Skinner’s back, so the next few scenes are fucked anyway. Morale scene, plotting scene, bad guys talk and threaten each other, Dorian Gray is evil. Do we believe in miracles? Not at this stage.
MADDEN: Yawn. Get to the good stuff.
AL: Highlights of the next thirty minutes of action: (1) The Hyde versus Mega-Hyde battle, committing possibly the two ugliest characters in the history of celluloid against each other; (2)Mina and Dorian’s sexually charged confrontation, ringing with occasionally chuckle-worthy punnery but mostly caught up in its own ridiculousness (btw, bring a fucking wooden stake, Dorian). (3) Jekyll not really resolving his internal conflict at all and winning by running away (4) Quartermain not killing the villain for no apparent reason despite virtually unlimited time to do so (5) Tom Sawyer heroically shooting the Phantom in the back as he flees. All worthy of more discussion if they weren’t independently hilarious and if it weren’t four in the morning.
MADDEN: All right, let’s sum it up. Good for Victorian literature fans? As long as you’re not too crazy about details. Good for comic junkies? As long as you aren’t looking for Alan Moore’s untouched masterpieces on screen. Good for casual moviegoers who miss the references and just want a straightforward shooter without the frills? Probably not – there’s so many frills the substance gets lost in the mix. That said, there are some laughs, an interesting plot, a cool setting…worth a watch, on the whole. How many BOOMs do I have left?
AL: Three.
MADDEN: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Okay, fuck it, I’m done, good night.
AL: From Mongolia, this is Al Michaels and John Madden, wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving.
FINAL REVIEW: Two and a half Extraordinary Gentlemen out of four.
--kd
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